I didn't expect my first book to be about bullying in the workplace.
I didn't expect my first book to be about bullying in the workplace.
When you love writing, that fantasy about your "first book" is always about crafting a breakthrough best-seller full of adventure, witty prose, and a well-crafted storyline. But this book is about none of those things. Instead, its purpose was two-fold. First, the book provides a pragmatic approach to the decision points and issues that arise when you are being bullied by another adult. Second, researching and writing the book was about personal healing. Not only was I sharing the stories of my bullying experiences, but the research also allowed me to investigate as many issues about bullies as I could. With each discovery, I became calmer, a little more self-assured, and more dedicated to the idea that bullies must be exposed and dealt with within their systems.
But writing the book is only the first part of the battle. Writing can be lonely without the support of a writers' group or editors. Unfortunately, writing about bullying does not necessarily lend itself to this sort of support when a therapist may be what is needed. But beyond the loneliness, which is not so bad when you love the written word, my issues arose when I started thinking about publishing the book.
It wasn't so much that I hesitated as self-sabotage. I hesitated because of C-PTSD and fear. Even though the bully who blacklisted me for 9 years has died, others are still alive. Publishing the book suddenly made those bullies seem very nearby. Even if I hadn't really named anyone in the text, the bullies would know who they were, and that was an issue that brought up fear of another round of retaliation.
In concert with that fear is a younger fear groomed into me by my narcissistic mother. This is the fear that I have to get it right. This is how that thinking pattern goes:
I have to achieve a sense of perfection, and if I don't, then the attacks on me will be justified. I won't be able to defend myself. No matter how hard I study and no matter how hard I try, I should be ashamed that I "let myself" be bullied. And that I dare to now write about it means that I am still someone who is pretending to know something that I don't. If I allowed myself to be bullied, then how can I be a success? Because being bullied – especially at work where you are striving to take care of yourself and achieve –means you have not succeeded and will never achieve.
Those who have been abused by narcissists will know how sticky this kind of thinking can be. But, this is also the thinking that drove me to research how bullying affects our brains and what habits we need to develop to cope and become resilient. And this is why I am moving forward with publishing my first book, 10 Steps to Overcome Workplace Bullying: From recognition to resilience. At some point, I needed to embrace the Heroine's Journey, battle the interior demons and take the next step.