I wrote this blog several years ago after reading Shahida Arabi's excellent book entitled Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare. With Trump's second term just beginning, I thought a return to the concept of the narcissistic pattern would be appropriate. In Arabi's first chapter, Recognizing the Narcissist, she described the abuse cycle of this relationship as Idealize, Devalue, Discard, Destroy, and Hoover. I'd like to expand on the "Idealize" section that she described as the "honeymoon phase, where I was properly 'groomed,' complimented, flattered, placed on a pedestal, followed by incidents of devaluation littered throughout the idealization phase." (p. 45)
I call my experience of the idealization phase "the narcissistic challenge," and it is always tied to a promise. Many of the narcissists in my life have used it--an aberrant serial bully professor at a world-class university, my mother-in-law, and two female consultants that I worked for. It has been one of my most sensitive traps based on a constant need to prove myself and to excel. (Being raised by abusive parents will do this to you.) As far as weaknesses go, this need to value myself in the workplace by meeting the needs of my employer should fall under "employee engagement." Unfortunately, because we are discussing narcissists, the narcissistic promise and challenge are always boosted by acts of deceit, manipulation, and devaluation, in which the stakes for success are raised ever higher. Ultimately, success is impossible because the narcissist does not want you to succeed, and they are in control of the game.
In my case, this narcissistic promise and challenge was marked by a "you are special" ploy that was designed to set me apart from some other person: a former or current employee, a sibling, or another family member. It always played to my strengths with a false promise that I would be rewarded: receiving a needed boost in pay, a position, or some special item I needed. However, the promise was a trap that was never fulfilled. No matter how hard or long I worked, the work was devalued, and the challenge to achieve the promise was replaced by another challenge with a higher bar. This increasing challenge was presented as, "Well, if you just do this one more thing, then I can do this for you. However, you are so much better than the last person. I'm sure you will have no problem doing this."
You can see how seductive this proposition can be in the workplace or in government, especially if the narcissist has already placed you in a position of dependence. But the dependence is the point; the promise replaced orput off by another challenge or yet another promise is designed to keep you hooked into the narcissist and waiting and hoping endlessly for that promise to be fulfilled – whether it is that promised salary or a lower price for groceries. For the narcissist, this is a source of pleasure or satisfaction of just getting another one over on you in a continuing cycle of abuse. By now, some disappointed voters are waking up to this ploy.